So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
