One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
