my phone needs a breathalizer
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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