I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
