i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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