I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
