I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
