I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
