I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
