Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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