I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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