i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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