No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
