My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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