i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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