I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
