So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
