She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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