why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
