YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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