There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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