my mouth tastes like poor choices
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
