yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
