i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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