i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
