I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
