do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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