You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you inspire me to be a worse person
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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