You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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