I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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