last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
