Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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