I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
