best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
