I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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