Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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