she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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