I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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