The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
