Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
