just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
