____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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