I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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