I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
