Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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