if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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