I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
