i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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