Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hippo gnu deer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Randomize
