Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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