She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
