Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
