Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
