Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
