He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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