im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
