I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
