And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
