Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
